I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
