Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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