I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
