My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Randomize
