I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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