once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
You're breaking my sexual little heart
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
