So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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