I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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