Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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