Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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