Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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