Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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