My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
