I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
