Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
