he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
