im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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