She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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