I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
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