i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
