We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
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