I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
