So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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