Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
honey bunches of taint.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
