I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
We're too hungover to prance.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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