Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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