The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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