I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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