His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
