We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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