I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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