i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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