I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
