i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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