We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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