just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize