No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
