dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
