my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
