She's JV to your varsity
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
