dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
