she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
