i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
It's shark week go big or go home
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
