I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
