One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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