The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I have already put on my inside pants.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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