You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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