I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
