Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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