I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
