A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
