Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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