My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Randomize
