The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I look better un-naked...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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