Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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