Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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