I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Randomize
