After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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