Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
a search helicopter?!
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
