remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
