I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Randomize
