Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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