I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
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