your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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